Friday, 7 June 2013

The Ups and Downs

Been off-line again due to my health being up and down,
 and my absurdly disappearing energy levels.
If I had to visualise the way it feels it would be something like
 this photograph taken from inside a crevasse.
There are times of strength and energy when I feel great,
then suddenly I fall through the hole into utter weakness and weariness.
My emotions follow the graph. 
Up and down I go.
Full of joy
crying with exhaustion.
Sure I've been in similar places before,
 brought by different routes.
The heart's anchor appears not to hold.
Discipline which once stilled the soul
 becomes a circle of chattering thoughts.
I know the temptation so well.
Do not believe.
There is nothing,
I am not strong
 or even faithful
as I twist and turn in the whirlpool of unresolved thought.
The Word comes easily to my memory,
seeming to be neither shield nor sword.
I repeat what I once believed,
and not believing, add
 "Help Thou my unbelief"
to the litany.
 The prayer of His name sits in every breath,
and still I do not believe.
In the end it is a choice.
I remember how it says He set His face like flint...
Still not believing
 I set my face to believe.
The unrelenting thread goes on,
"Worse,  I am lying to myself..."
But truly I have been this way before.
As I make the choice
I come home. 
The crevasse is still as deep.
I choose again...
"If I go up to heaven you are there,
 if I make my bed in Sheol you are there."
Psalm 139:8
P.S.  If you can recognise any of this read new post
         Blessing in the Chaos.   


  1. I recognize this cycle and often have to fall back on the fact that He has promised to never leave us. Hope you feel better soon.

  2. I did ponder about whether to post this Susan, but in our emphasis on making a postive confession there can be almost a conspiracy of silence about the struggles we go through. Consequently it can be doubly hard if these times are accompanied by a sense of isolation, and the feeling that everybody else has reached a place of constant serenity, so I decided to publish the post.

    I do thank you for your comment, and good wishes. x

  3. Hazel, I have been checking your blog and not seeing a new post, I have been concerned so you have been in my prayers. Thank you for this post. Prayers that you will be feeling better soon and in the meantime, please know that others are keeping you in prayer.

    1. Thank you so much Lynda,

      Your thoughtfulness has reached out and been a real blessing, as has your prayers.

      Blessings and appreciation. x

  4. I think you and I are constantly dancing around the same issues. Bless you for this post. Prayers and hope you are feeling better. Many thanks for your support too especially when chronic ill health issues prevent us from doing as much as we might want to.

  5. Dancing and resonating in the Spirit Phil!

    How good it is we are made to be unconfined by the purely physical.

    Blessings as ever. x