I took a dive yesterday
. No, I don't mean I threw away a fight,
or sprang into some gleaming pool from a distant spring board in the sky.
What I did was reach up to the washing line to begin to peg out the clothes,
stepping back as I did so,
only to have my foot connect with an array of potted plants Hubby had put out
to harden off with a view to later plantings.
Being thrown off balance, the next thing I knew I was falling backwards towards a tall, heavy, planter, and the paving slabs of the patio.
towards the grass which seemed a softer option.
I would like to think that if It had been a dive into a pool
it was an elegant backward somersault, with twisted half pike.
(I don't know what that means but it sounds about right, and so good).
In reality of course it was a frantic Tom and Jerry style flailing of the arms,
If the style left something to be desired though, the landing was pretty good,
in as much as I did largely avoid the paving slabs of the patio,
with only my ribs and side connecting with the edge,
as the upper part of me came to rest on the grass.
. To be honest this was not as soft an option as I had thought,
due to the fact the grass was growing in earth which felt
like the same concrete the patio was resting on.
as I was able to lie there for a while
assessing if there was any real damage to the working parts.
From my newly recumbent position I could see my glasses half a body's length away,
where they seemed to be making close observation of a couple of daisies,
all be it without me.
Thankfully, as I scanned my neighbours bedroom windows
I didn't see any of them observing me.
(Embarrassment at my undignified dive had already kicked in.)
Along with my relief at not being seen,
I felt a slight discomfort at the thought I could let out such a shriek
and be lying prone in my garden,
without at least one would-be helper emerging from somewhere.
Finding myself sound in wind and limb I gingerly got up,
In the end it took two calls from the foot of the stairs to get through to him.
Emergency treatment consisted of a hot cup of sweet tea of course,
(well, I am British),
a couple of paracetamol, hot shower,
and analgesic spray to my ribs.
Truth compels me to add there were a few tears,
a bit of laughter as I visualised my diving technique,
and a few well chosen words to hubby about where he had left the potted plants.
I couldn't quite see the rationale behind his reply that
"They haven't been there long",
because, as I pointed out
they were there long enough for one of us to have fallen over them!
The thing is, as with all accidents, my fall came out of a clear blue sky
. One minute everything was fine and dandy,
and my day was planned out in front of me,
the next I was on the ground.
Being laid low in the past has not always followed that pattern for me.
Like many who suffer from chronic illness,
when I was sick I struggled with depression and low self esteem.
The conflict I had felt as I lay in the garden,
on the one hand needing somebody to have known and responded,
while at the same time feeling an uncalled for shame at my situation,
are all too familiar to me.
There was always this guilt attached to being less than one should be,
either in ones body or ones mind.
All too often my heart's cry was
Ps. 42 :5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.
Thankfully now, both in body, mind, and spirit, I walk a more even path.
I do not forget however, how despair, despondency, and fear,
can seem to fall out of a clear blue sky.
I hope you know nothing of what it is to suffer from depression.
I also hope if you do not, you are careful not to judge those who do.
Careful not to say,
"What have they got to be depressed about?"
because believe me that is a question they will ask themselves,
and beat themselves with, time and again.
Of course, according to statistics,
around 80% of us show some signs of clinical depression,
so it is far more likely you do understand what it means to suffer in some way.
If you do, above all:-
Do not be ashamed, or believe you are undeserving of help.
Learn to be your own best friend, and do seek help.
In be-friending yourself learn to spot what pushes you towards the dive in your mood.
Watch your energy. - What gives it.? What takes it way?
Take exquisitely good care of yourself in the most wholesome way you know.
Avoid like the plague those who do not accept you as you are.
Gosh I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to give you yet another drain on your energy
by making a list of does and don'ts.
I know what it is not to have the mental energy for such things,
or even to believe I would ever have that energy again.
To believe absolutely that this is the very time from which I will never arise.
If that is where you are today, I reach out to you,
praying the heaviness will be broken, the prison bars shattered,
and light again return to your spirit.
If you are already standing tall, and strong. and positive,
why not join me in sending out the blessing of light, and healing,
in your own way?
May this weekend see us all arise to a fuller way of being.
P.S. To hear the late Maya Angelou read her well known poem, I Will Arise
click on the link below.