Advent Waiting

If you are wondering where I am in these days leading up to Christmas...

I've not been madly decorating,

or Christmas shopping,

though I will have to engage with all that soon.

As it is the days

have been full of lots of comings and goings.

Family birthdays.

Hospital appointments.

Day to day necessities to be seen to.

There have been,

and are,

at this moment

griefs to come to grips with,

difficulties to be faced and overcome, 

and I am wearied

and wanting to opt out.

 If I knew what I could opt out of 

and where to "op" to

I would.

My thoughts twist and turn, 

 my strength ebbs...

An unreasonable quietness rises

to hold me firmer 

than my doubts and unbelief

before the next battle.

It is not I who hold on.
I am held despite myself.

 Inwardly

I am

just keeping as quiet as I can,

and waiting,

just waiting,

for the holy,

and the deep:

that moment

when Christmas really comes,

though I live in the truth of it while I wait.

,