Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Burnt Out but Still Smouldering!

 This morning I was awoken by noise akin to couple of football rattles being twirled non-stop under my window.
 (Click the link under the photo to get a flavour 
of what a rude awakening I'd had.)

Peering bleary eyed around the curtains
 I saw two magpies harassing next door's cat.
They were clearly having a good time
 and not likely to quit on my behalf
 so I slammed the window shut, 
but even through the double glazing
 I could hear the rumpus continue.

Flopping back on my pillows I reflected how the harsh din
 seems to chime with how I have been feeling of late.

 I am feeling burnt out again:
exhausted from a stint of  "doing too much",
then un-surprisingly going down with some sort of virus,
so everything seems more than I can take.
I am low-spirited and tearful, 

 longing to crawl away somewhere and be cosseted, shielded, 
and just plain taken care of.  

Good as hubby is, when all's said and done though it's
 I who have to learn to take better care of myself.
You see I was nurtured and programmed to be a
 care-giver and not a care-taker
 Well not of myself anyway.

In my time I have worked as a counsellor,
so I know about taking care of myself,
saying no,
 boundaries, etc.
but I realised this morning that I have still been operating on a model meant for somebody 
at least twenty years younger than I am right now.

Those raucous birds under my window
 had somehow brought me to face the fact
 that I need to stop having such unrealistic expectations of myself, and that the clashing discord wearing me down inside 
is a message to me to cut myself some slack.

The words of one of my favourite psalms flashed into my mind.

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

My heart is not proud, Lord,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the Lord
    both now and forevermore.

I have to face the fact,
things I used to take in my stride feels like a "great matter" to me.
Two major surgeries in the last year;
a birthday last week that was one over the biblical limit...
Time to take stock.

Knowing my propensity to over-think,
 which just gets me more stuck,
I am starting
 with something superficial;
a visit to the hairdresser,
which I usually hate because
 I always come away feeling like somebody else,
(see I've started thinking again!)
 Maybe this time I will just feel
 kick-started into being
 a whole new woman.

I'll  let you know how my re-programming goes.

Be Blessed

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