Burnt Out but Still Smouldering!

 http://sounds.bl.uk/Environment/British-wildlife-recordings/022M-W1CDR0001537-2800V0#_

 This morning I was awoken by noise akin to couple of football rattles being twirled non-stop under my window.

 (Click the link under the photo to get a flavour 

of what a rude awakening I'd had.)

Peering bleary eyed around the curtains

 I saw two magpies harassing next door's cat.

They were clearly having a good time

 and not likely to quit on my behalf

 so I slammed the window shut, 

but even through the double glazing

 I could hear the rumpus continue.

Flopping back on my pillows I reflected how the harsh din

 seems to chime with how I have been feeling of late.

 I am feeling burnt out again:

exhausted from a stint of  "doing too much",

then un-surprisingly going down with some sort of virus,

so everything seems more than I can take.

I am low-spirited and tearful, 

 longing to crawl away somewhere and be cosseted, shielded, 

and just plain taken care of.  

Good as hubby is, when all's said and done though it's

 I who have to learn to take better care of myself.

You see I was nurtured and programmed to be a

 care-giver and not a care-taker. 

 Well not of myself anyway.

In my time I have worked as a counsellor,

so I know about taking care of myself,
saying no,
 boundaries, etc.

but I realised this morning that I have still been operating on a model meant for somebody 

at least twenty years younger than I am right now.

Those raucous birds under my window

 had somehow brought me to face the fact

 that I need to stop having such unrealistic expectations of myself, and that the clashing discord wearing me down inside 

is a message to me to cut myself some slack.

The words of one of my favourite psalms flashed into my mind.

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, Lord,
    my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
    or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content.

³ Israel, put your hope in the Lord
    both now and forevermore.

I have to face the fact,

things I used to take in my stride feels like a "great matter" to me.

Two major surgeries in the last year;

a birthday last week that was one over the biblical limit...

Time to take stock.



Knowing my propensity to over-think,
 which just gets me more stuck,
I am starting
 with something superficial;
a visit to the hairdresser,
which I usually hate because
 I always come away feeling like somebody else,
(see I've started thinking again!)
 Maybe this time I will just feel
 kick-started into being
 a whole new woman.


I'll  let you know how my re-programming goes.



Be Blessed