Hold Back the Tide of Fear and Rejoice

Me and hubby
WISHING YOU A JOYOUS CHRISTMAS

Yesterday I was reminded by somebody that I used to write a blog. 

It is a very long time since I posted anything and
I doubt if anybody will read this blog now.

Since last writing I have been quite ill,
and now struggle with a chronic sickness as well as the advancing years.

Though my life before that had hardly been easy
this has been an especially tough time.

I am finding it hard to navigate this latest bit of the path as
 things change so much from day to day and there is no doubt about it,
 my physical condition affects my ability to stay positive.

Yet the advent invitation to rejoice makes so much sense.

More and more I realise I have the choice between anxiety and rejoicing.

I cannot change my circumstances
but when I even so much as silently speak the word "Rejoice"
 into the anxious knot that is increasing my breathlessness,
 my whole body responds.
At the centre of myself I relax, open, and make room
 for a spirit other than
 the fear that can so easily hold sway.

So, even knowing nobody will read this, I have to bring myself to account and say
 I will continue to find a place of rejoicing within myself.

As Billy Connelly said the world was made to be joyous,( and indeed I believe it was),

 the more I/we can add to those joyous vibrations the more we are truly

 going with the flow of creation.

I can't really think of anything better to do at this point in history can you,

 my non existent reader?

May the Blessing of Rejoicing 

hold us in good stead
 against the fear the world would heap upon us.

To help lift us in this hectic season here is a traditional and well loved Christmas carol
from Christ's College, Cambridge

Then, for something completely different and every season,
 give yourself a moment to adjust,
take a deep breath,
and if you really feel like bopping and rejoicing,
 maybe join in this upbeat worship song .

True Romance - Not Always as Grateful as I Could Be

Watching Sleepless In Seattle for the umpteenth time.

Hubby is sitting in his usual seat across from me as we watch television together.

You will find us this way most evenings now we are older.

It suits us;

especially as one of hubby's favourite quotes come from Hardy's
 Far From the Madding Crowd,

when Gabriel Oak tells Bathsheba Everdene all he wants for the future is that ,

" at home by the fire, whenever you look up there I shall be— and whenever I look up, there will be you."

Yes, he is an old romantic, 

and nothing we have been through in our almost 56 years of marriage has changed him,

He remains the same to the extent that even now, 

when he is often full of pain, 

and I ask,

"Are you alright?"

he replies as he always has,

" I am with you aren't I?"

as if that settles the matter.

For so long I have taken his response for granted.

Just Bill being Bill.

Now as I realise more and more how swiftly our days together are flying

they seem the most precious words I could hear.

Looking for Home

Evening meditation time in our dining room.

Months since I posted anything. 

 Months during which we didn't

actually make a progress around many churches

to find a new spiritual family,

as we had thought we would during Lent.

We could have made our home at either of the two we did visit,

 but seemed to have settled on the one nearest to us,

 and furthest away 
from the tradition those who thought they knew us
 would have expected. 

 For me the "bells and smells" felt like a coming home at last,

 and the sense of reverence,  and time
 to absorb the healing scripture enfolded in the liturgy
 were just what I yearned for. 

 I am not sure hubby feels quite the same,

though I know he appreciates the depth of it as much as I do,

 and we both love the people.

We have not been able to be as involved as we might like,

 mostly due to my continuing illness,

which began way back at the end of April,

and shows no signs of shoving off just yet. 

 It  began as a heavy chest cold and has progressed from there to breathlessness, temperature, general weakness,
antibiotics, and now, being on my third course of steroids,

 it has definitely outstayed it's welcome. 

 So no church for the last few weeks and odd absences before that. 

 In one way this is no hardship for me,

as I see the day to day presence

 of the indwelling Spirit as the mainstay,

 not a weekly appearance at a building,

but in another there is the need to be gathered

with a family of faith somehow.

  So, I guess what I am saying is

 there is still a sense of homelessness

and I am not sure how it will be resolved. 

 Set against my keen sense of flux in the Churches'
(meaning church universal),
situation in the world
 I find this exciting,

 as all liminal places are.

I am reminded of Jesus saying to Philip,

Have I been so long with you, and (yet) you have not come to know Me, Philip? 

There always seems such a depth of promise, as well as regret in those words don't you think?

  So much more to learn, to know, and to live...

Blessings

P.S.  Lest the photo at the top of the post seems a bit "holy" or out of touch, it really is an example of how spirituality is at the heart or "home" of our lives, as it was taken just as I finished my time of quiet and left the room to watch a live television performance of Mrs Brown's Boys, the humour of which can only be described as "earthy". 
 We need the sublime and the ridiculous for wholeness don't we?  

Into The Wilderness -Leaving what we know and have relied upon

This year Lent has taken on a particular and special meaning for me,

 as it coincides with my husband and I setting out

 from the church we have known as our spiritual family for a long time,

 on a journey of discovery which, at the moment anyway,

 feels like a true setting out into the wilderness.

We do not know where we are being led,

only that we must let go of where we have been,

really let go,

before we can discover where we are meant to be.

What makes this journey of discovery even more interesting,

(for interesting read difficult!), 

is that there are two of us.

Two very different people,

 each on their own intensely personal pilgrimage of faith,

hoping and trusting we will be brought to a place 

we will both recognise as "home".

The fact that we have been brought to this moment together

is a hopeful sign of that synchronicity of the Spirit that is all we look for.

Because this is still so new, and I grieve for fellowship we have left
 I felt I wasn't ready to start out on our search yet,

but hubby wanted to attend an evening communion
at a local Anglican church on Ash Wednesday, so it seemed fitting to go. 

In doing so we are starting our search with the words which accompany
the moment when the sign of the cross was traced on our foreheads
with ash, signifying repentance.

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
 Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ."

*
Throughout my life I know that it is not my faithfulness,
 but the faithfulness of a God who has actively sort me,
 and led me,
 that has mattered,
and it is this that I rely upon.

My one prayer is perfectly expressed by this worship song.

Be Blessed

Celandine Morning Prayer

http://blog.metmuseum.org/cloistersgardens/2012/04/05/lesser-celandine/

This morning for the first time for an age the rain has stopped lashing down
and the gale wind has dropped.
The sun is out,
so of course I am off into the garden to put washing on the line.

As I scan the borders noting the premature signs of spring, as well as the storm damage
 I spot the hardy celandines returning,
despite my best efforts to root them out each year.

I love to see their shining faces in the woodlands and hedgerows.
In the garden though, they form close knit rafts
overwhelming everything in their path;
weaving themselves into roots of perennials and shrubs alike,
so there is nothing else to do but dig everything up and separate them out-
and then replant.
Hard work, and increasingly, more than I can do.

Before I knew it I had my fingers into the cold wet muddy earth,
wheedling down the white thread-like stems to the root,
 then cupping them out between my fingers, little balls of earth and all.
Strangely, even as I did so,
 I was filled with wonder and respect at the resilience of life that pushes up,
 again and again.
There in the cold mud my heart sang to the source of life.

You who I know as Life,
 upholding all,
never turning away,
never failing,
but seeking always new ways to break out
and show yourself;
filling all created things with an expression of yourself
and calling forth the new in every moment,
fill us with such a force of life we cannot hold it in,
growing strong in the true and pure proclamation of you
 we are uniquely made to be,
even in our suffering, brokenness, ambition, and frailty.

Be Blessed

The First day of Spring?

Watching the moving news footage of a boat load of refugees 

being rescued from a sinking vessel off the coast of Samos,

 I witnessed their utter joy.
My heart ached As I thought about the long struggle still lying ahead

in their long search for a new, safer, and better, life. 

I couldn't help but wonder if,

 on the hard path which still lies ahead of them

 they may be tempted to look back at their moment of rescue

 as a bitter beacon of false hope, 

 serving only to mark their passage into some new darkness; 

or will they be able to use their memory of that moment

 to strengthen them in the belief 

that the promise of the new, and the good,

is still possible, and within their grasp.

Today, the first of February, is St. Brigid's day.

The day marked by the Celtic church,

in the middle of winter,

 as the first day of spring!

It was now, that Celtic spirituality chose to look 

beyond the cold bleak days they were still enduring

to take account of the buds becoming full,

 and the pure white snowdrops, (an emblem of St. Brigid),

 breaking from the dark earth.

In short, they looked to the re-awakening of all things

as the light returned, 

and the days lengthened on their patch of the good earth. 

We may know how it is to try and hold on in some winter gloom that has settled in us,

to have unfulfilled hopes which once burned bright,

but have all but been extinguished.

Is there some hope, or promise, you feared was lost

 that rises up in you now

crying out to shine into life and springtime newness ?
Is there something suggesting itself
 you could do right now
to give yourself the new impetus you need?

 +

I love the words of John 1:4

which assure us that at the heart and meaning of our life,

 the very centre of our being,

 is a Christ light shining.

May your hope be re-kindled, and come to the full light of it's dawning,
so your unique expression of the Christ light within you will shine forth

as surely as the winter light will lengthen into spring. 

 +

If you follow this blog you will know how I love this song by Luka Bloom.

Don't Be afraid Of The Light That Shines Within You.

Listen And Be Blessed

Taking Our Place for the New Year

 YOU DON'T NEED TO PUSH THE RIVER,

 BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY IN THE RIVER.

 GOD'S LIFE OF LOVE IS BEING LIVED WITHIN YOU,

 AND YOU MUST SIMPLY LEARN TO SAY YES TO LIFE.

These words from Father Richard Rohr seemed so pertinent,

 I posted them on my facebook page as a start to the new year.

Saying yes to life isn't always that easy of course,

 and to do so we must really trust that "life" knows what it is doing.

  Even for those who know the one who called himself

 the way, the truth, and the life,

there is the deep pull to rely upon oneself when all is said and done. 

 There is always that little voice suggesting,

God helps those who help themselves.

  and
 If I don't get this done who will? 

 Right?

This is the bridge over the river Monnow at Skenfrith

 which sits beside the excellent Bell Inn.

When it was still a quiet country pub,

 the landlord had an old dog who used to suffer greatly when the weather got hot.

  To escape the heat he would wade into the river,

and stand for hours at a time with the water swirling around him,

 just down stream of the central arch of the bridge,

 always facing upstream.

   Always towards the source.

Today, and every day,

we may have little or no time to stand still,

or even give our minds relief from the constant battering of life's demands,

but we can set ourselves to trust,

 and our hearts to rely upon,

 the source of the stream in which,

 and from which,

we all come. 

Take a breath just where you are,

 and know you are held in the stream of life and love which carries us all.


Take frequent breaths throughout your day,
and find that source beyond the pressure of the moment,
 in that one thing for which even now,
 you can say thank you.

Do not be afraid.

Blessings

Resting Lightly

The silver leaves of this tree in the park seem to have alighted on the branches;

a flight of butterflies

 trembling on the brink of disappearing on the breeze.

Such lightness of touch.

My heart lifts

with their promise that I need not cling so tightly.

The roots of freedom are planted by resting lightly, and letting go.

Be Blessed

So, What's New?

I walked into my sitting room today and wondered what the sweet perfume could be.

It couldn't be the prunings from the garden

which I had stuffed into a vase rather than throw in the bin,

 because I knew they didn't have any scent.

 I have been around these flowers since I was a kid,

 when they grew in my parents garden over seventy years ago.

  My plants come from cuttings of theirs,

 and I have transplanted them,

 and weeded around them ever since.

My nose has been close to them more times than I could count

 as I have worked in the garden,

 so I would have known if they bore any perfume wouldn't I?

But guess what? 

 Bending over them I realized they do have a scent but I had never caught it before.

 I had never brought them indoors before either,

 so perhaps the scent was intensified by being in the enclosed space. 

 Whatever the reason, the perfume came as a surprise.

Something so familiar I thought I knew all about

 had an added dimension I never suspected.

The lesson is too obvious to spell out isn't it?

I can't help wondering what else I think I know all about,

and really don't.


 Humbling.

Be Blessed

Limping and Leaping Towards Wholeness

After far too many weeks away from my walk in the park
 I got there in the rain on Sunday.

Under the dark canopy of trees I was drawn to
the pure ebullience of the Queen Anne's Lace effervescing out of the gloom.
Oceans of refreshing purity emerging from among the dark roots.

It spoke volumes to me, as nature often does,
but more so, given the last few weeks
when all my batteries crashed at the same time.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually,
everything went flat.

Well of course it did
because we are a whole entity.
If we drive ourselves too hard in any direction
we feel that depletion in all other areas to one degree or another.
Our lives simply get out of balance.

(If you follow this blog at all you will know I've said this before in some way or another.
No apology about that .
 We need to hear it.)
The good news is that this hiatus can, and will,
 move us forward as nothing else can.

My life has so often followed this pattern of limping, and then leaping.

*
You may understand something of this in your own life.
Things conspire to bring us, limping to a halt.

We find we have to pay ourselves some attention.

We learn to trust that nothing happens by chance and that
even what seems so cruel, painful, and frightening at the time,
is part of the design to bring us to a greater wholeness;
especially so, if we are ready to learn why we have been brought to to this moment.


Each one of us has a re- ocurring pattern to our lives.
It is the thing which causes us to say
 " How come this is happening to me again?"


You will have your own personal spanner in the works.




If, for any reason, we fail to grasp each lesson as we are presented with the opportunity,
then the pattern continues until you begin to
hear the deeper wisdom in your life which is there to guide you.

You can cooperate in moving towards that leap forward once you recognise the pattern.

It is a good thing to find
a wise, loving, and faithful, friend,
a spiritual mentor, counselor or therapist, to help you find your way
and support you at such a time.

Failing this, trust the Holy Spirit to lead you as you yearn for light.
Ask that the ears of your heart be opened to the messages that will come.

Dreams, unlikely "coincidences",
stuff that suddenly speak into your situation out of left field.

The more you listen, the more adept you will become in finding the guidance you seek.

In everything, despite what you are being led to believe,
(and this is especially difficult, but crucial, if your problems are with relationships),
turn consistently towards the source which most leads you to a healthy love of yourself.

Turn away from all that accuses, encourages guilt, or brings you down;
perhaps particularly your own inner critic.
Never be hard on yourself.

*
To illustrate, briefly, from my latest situation,
physically I needed let go of an exciting (once in a life time), project,
 with a group  working with a director from the Royal Shakespeare Company,
which I'd invested a lot in, but was proving just too taxing.

Then I needed to follow through on a problem I had been putting up with,
to discover I needed a course of antibiotics.
(Yes, I am that daft!
But does this ring any bells with you?)

I have given myself permission
 to really rest and recover my depleted strength
 rather than keep limping on and forcing myself to do it,
so I have let go of preaching for a while.
Also being in the worship team.

The team project, the preaching, worship group, had a three pronged hold.
I love each one of them.
  I hate letting people down,
and, the deepest hold,
they are each a way of connecting and communicating with others,
 which I badly need.

I wanted to keep going, but deep down knew I need to let go,
at least for now.
As soon as I did let them go,
I felt an almighty relief, and lightness.



Not being a masochist, I have kept my fortnightly choir,
 which is pure joy,
and anyway ends for the summer break later this month.

*
Emotionally, my weariness pointed me to a breakthrough
in integrating deep childhood wounds.

A weight I have carried all my life has been lifted.

What I am saying is,
unlikely as it seems this is a time of leaping!

*
If you limping along in any measure,
 take heart and believe you too are made to leap.

Look back if you can,
 discern a pattern in your own life a when a crisis has,
 in reality turned into a blessing.

For instance can you remember a change for the good
 you would never have made had you been left with a choice?

*
To thoroughly mix my metaphors,
the beautiful healing light of the God who loves you
is waiting in the dark place to break forth into
 new life
in you.
And maybe when you least expect it.

Be Blessed
limping or leaping,
 as you follow your path.